IF
by Kisiki Nagome
Summary: [Doctor!Midorima Shintaro x Nurse!Momoi Satsuki] Being a doctor is hard. Besides the responsibility of someone's life, you're responsible for someone's heart as well. When it comes to love, it's more than trust and understanding to keep it lasting, and second chance IF you have time.


Never crossed my mind for this past ten years, I'll meet her again. While I'm wearing this white coat and she's on nurse suits. I guess the universe finally granted one of my wishes, work with her. I'm as captain and her as my assistance in the room. It's more than just happy; it's thrilling yet frustrated at the same time.

...

Ever since that time, when I left her for Germany, we barely contact each other. Our long distance relationship only last for three months. I'm too busy with my life; research and persuade my grades on professor title. I overwhelmed by it and didn't have a proper time to talk to her. I knew from the beginning, I can't have a proper relationship with anyone. I'm living for public service means I need to focus on other people live than mine. Yet, I'm forcing her into relationship we couldn't have.

Although, I know our relationship was a mistake I can't help but cherish every moment we had. I love her so much, even after we broke up. I pitied myself for ended our relationship that day, but it was for the best, for _her_.

We're on video call that time. I told her how I felt; about myself, about my life in Germany, about us, and the last thing I said we need break from _us_ for who-knows-how-long-it-could-be. She cried. She yelled. She raged. She didn't stop screaming until I close my Skype and went to sleep. I'm **jerk**. I run away from _her._ I don't bother to contact her anymore and for nine years later. I'm hiding and tried to forget about my love, but failed miserably.

.

.

.

.

"Satsuki..." I called her as she escort the last patient. She didn't react to my called not even bugging me with her gaze, instead she closed the door behind her and clean up the tools.

"Satsuki..." I tried to gain her attention by grasp her hand but she pulled it hard.

"Thanks for your hard work, doctor. Please, excuse me," she bows at me and take her belonging out like nothing happened.

I sigh, I feel so frustrated. That was 7th times I tried to talk to her since we're working together, still she ignored me. I sighed deeply, scratch my back of head, "Satsuki..."

.

.

I never knew if Canteen would be this packed on lunch time because I barely have the same lunch break as everyone. I was looking for the empty seat, but found nothing, except one that sat across to Satsuki. Thanks to Oha Asa's advice I brought along my lucky stethoscope item on my left hand. I excused myself to sit down there and tried to act cool as usual.

"Sorry, this is the only seat left," I said. She didn't answer, pretending I wasn't there and keep eating her food.

I got a clear view of her face. She looks paler today. Her pinkish hair loosen above her shoulder and a bit mess, what unusual to see her like this. Those eyes, that once shining, now lost it light, seems like cloud love her more than the sun did. She's changed, for worst.

"Satsuki..." I called her name hopefully she will answer this time, but no, "I'm sorry... for everything..."

"I'm a jerk, you named it and I know it well. But... never in this past ten years I live without blaming myself for hurting you, for giving up on _us_ , and left you alone. I'm sorry..." I stop for a sec; I reach her hand and felt it cold. She listened, but still didn't look at me.

I'm going on, "I hope you'll forgive me for everything happened. Its okay if it takes another year or even tenth for you, I'll wait. Until that time come, I wish you would give me second chance to start it all over again."

I can't hold myself anymore and squeeze her hand tightly. I can feel her grimace under my hand, but I hold it tight, don't want to let it go. No more. But, I can't keep it longer than I thought, because when she whimpered in hurtful voices, I loosen it. She stands from her seat and took her tray along. I keep an eye on her, while she's walking across the room, until her step began limb and passed out...

* * *

Satsuki POV

I hate to admit this: I still love him even though he's giving me **hell** when he left. Even his words are clear to end our relationship, I denied with all my heart. I believe he will sent me mail tomorrow or the day after, saying sorry then I will forgive him, like I always do.

I know, that his job as doctor wouldn't gave me much times like every couple did, he could leave me alone in the middle our date because there's an emergency, he wouldn't be on my side if someday I giving birth to his child because he were in another room, bring someone else life back. As long as I'm with you, I'll survive from those suffering, I swear to myself I won't let you down as your partner at job and your partner of life ever since you told me to wait and stay safe when you're left for Germany.

But, did you know how much life become so miserable for me when you're away? I collapsed three times on our first three months of long distance relationship. Did you know why? Because you seems don't care about me anymore. You barely reply to my message, you never bother to answer my calls or even text me to say sorry for not answer it. You left me in dark and it made me anxious all the time. I worried about your well being out there; are you safe, did you eat well, could you follow what the lecturer said, etc. What's worst come eventually, when my we fought over Skype, we end _us._

"Let's break up, Satsuki."

I still remember the stinging sensation on my eyes as I tried to hold tears from slid down. "What do you mean, Shin-kun…"

He answered slowly, "Let's end this unhealthy relationship."

"What do you mean by unhealthy relationship? Is it because we're not living on the same place? Is it because I'm too demanding?"

"No it's not… Satsuki, you should believe in me this time, I love you, I always do. But, you won't be happy, if we continue this unhealthy relationship. I'm sorry, this is for the best" he averted his eyes away from the screen. He hides something and it must be _it._ I need to confirm.

"Say, Shintaro, you have another girl, aren't you?"

"Wh-"

"You rarely reply to my mail because you're busy with new girl; smart ass doctor on your class, right?"

"No. Satsuki, listen, I don't have new girl like you thought and about your mail, I'm so sorry, I can't reply as much as you are, it's because I'm medical student, you know? I have to focus on my study and stuff, you won't understand."

"Look, Shintaro. If it's only because of your study or jobs as doctor, I always respect, I won't force you to give your whole time either, we know it since we're together, but this..." the tears make it way to my check, I couldn't handle it anymore, "you... have stuff, that you keep for yourself and shut me out from it, do you think I can't help you because I'm not a doctor? For God sake, I'm NURSE, Shintaro! I'm working on medical field same as you! What's stuff do you think I couldn't learn?!"

"No, it's…"

"If it's not about your study there must be something else you can't tell me. Then, what do you expect me to think besides you cheated, Shintaro?"

He opened his mouth but then closed it again he didn't say a word. I burst into tears and felt my body shaking as I look on his unreadable emotion through the screen. "Say something, Shintaro... am I right?"

Shintaro didn't look at the camera, he ignored my question. I knew I said the truth, his silence prove me so. "You're jerk, Shintaro."

"So… you _really_ cheated. I thought you're different from the other, huh, every guy are the same. They aren't trustable; they don't have faith on themselves let alone his partner, just… just… GO AND TRASH YOURSELF WITH THAT BLONDE-ASS DOCTOR!"

I can't take it anymore. I hate him. Hate. HAte. HATe. HATE. He's jerk! Total jerk! Bastard!

What did I do wrong?

Why he _**cheated**_ on me?!

What's in me is worthless for him?

I cried every night and swore him a lot. I closed my mind and heart from him; I will not seeing his face anymore, even if I got a chance to meet him someday, I will never make a contact with him. We're done and it should be the end of our story...

Until he came along, wearing lab coat on the hallway and his infamous cologne scene cross my nostrils. He is back. He's been put on the same department as I am and I've been chosen to be his partner.

I hate how he easily ended our relationship through a video call, but I hate myself more. I hate me, for being worthless, selfish, hot-headed, masochist, and liar.

.

.

.

.

My sight a bit blur by the shine of lamp above my head. My head throbbing and ears ringing. I feel odd, sick, and nauseous. I groan then look at my side, I saw a sight of green color hair in my eyes, oh no, not him, please God!

After a while and my sight got better, his worried face was the first thing I saw. My dry mouth tried to address him, but failed and ended up choke my own saliva. He helped me to sit, he put some pillows behind my back and gave me a glass of water, and I sipped it thankfully.

"Thank you," I said, "for took me here."

He nodded. He didn't say anything but his eyes locked on me. I avoid his gazed, scared of what he could see with those greens. I could felt his intense gaze judging me; it feels like a hammer that broke the already broken glasses of lie. He already knows what happened and needed me to explain and making clear of what's he thought. Whether, if two of us like it or not, this story has to ended with no hard feeling. The second chance he asked, I have to give it an answer. Well, I couldn't hide it any longer tho.

"Shintaro..." I called him. I forced my eyes met the green light of him. The eyes that once shining, now lost its bright and full of sorrow he's been holding back all the time, "I have something to tell you."

I took deep breath, "I'm sorry for that day… I'm sorry for make you suffer by blaming yourself because of me. I'm so sorry for ignoring you all of the years and even now, when we're meeting each other again. Also, I'm sorry I couldn't give you the second chance like you wanted, because _we_ can't…" He's everything I wanted in this entire universe and now he is standing in front of me, yet I couldn't have him.

"I loved you so much, I always do. I'm carrying a baby..." suddenly my tears slide down the cheek, "and I wish this is yours, Shin-kun..."

He hugs me tightly while I burst out the tears to his chest. It's hard to admit your love when you're already someone else and it's hurt you more than anything when you realize your loved one loves you back this whole time. He always been waiting for me on the other side, he didn't mean to leave me alone, instead he want me to chase after him; to open my eyes, to teach me how to have a faith and understanding on him because I'm doctor's girl. There are a lot of challenges I should take care of.

But, it's over.

What's left, now, is just _**if**_ along with _but_ that deny reality. . .

 **-END-**

* * *

Hola, it's me Kisiki Nagome! Nice to meet you. This is my first English fanfiction I write, so sorry, if there's grammar error, OOC, etc. Feel free to correct me in review section. Hope you like it, ENJOY! :D

[I'm here as well]

Twitter: hatsuchiin

Instagram: hatuschiin

Tumblr (more fic here!): .com

AO3 : KisikiNagome


End file.
